ZERO SUM BUBBLEGUM GUEST ARTIST: NEIL PATERSON

DR: What have you been up to artistically since your last comic in Dump?

NP: Thank you for asking me that question David – it reminds me how much drinking I’ve been doing and how many late nights I’ve been working (never a good mix) because I cannot recall exactly when Dump was or what I might have done artistically since then...

Certainly as far as drawing cartoons goes the answer would be mot nuch (sic). Creating cartoons is difficult and enormously time consuming!! I have produced new ‘cartoon’ greetings cards for both Glenesk and Kirriemuir and donated a design for a ‘cartoon’ greetings card of Forfar for Forfar Dramatic Society to help them raise money.

I played Dame again at Arbroath Abbey Theatre Christmas 2015 – my first time as dame at that particular venue. A delight to play to such a small audience in such a compact venue with plenty of scope for ad-libs and interaction.

Otherwise I’ve done a bit of writing for a performance at the Signal Tower Museum and been in ’80 Days Around the World’ in Forfar.

…aaaand also I’ve been doing more writing for ‘The Hardest Chip Shop in Scotland’ to try and develop my character a bit more as opposed to Sweary’s indefatigable foil.

I had a go at creating band ‘The Insulted and Injured’ which faltered due to artistic differences and am having another go at getting ‘POUM’ off the ground. So far got a banjo player and possibly a bassist so always happy for anybody else to join in!

Otherwise onanism takes up a lot of my time.

DR: What's POUM?

NS: Oh honestly – what’s Google for? POUM is the name of my latent new band. Never heard of George Orwell? Tut tut.

DR: You are such a diva.

NS: That's me. Ask me another.

DR: You've been screen acting as well. You showed me a bit of a film you were in. Tell me about that.

NS: Gosh yes David – you’re right. Who does your research?

Well readers I was invited to do a bit of acting in a student’s film for a course. I was playing an old artist (typecast) who is discovered by a younger artist sleeping rough in an abandoned house. For some reason or another that involved lots of cut-aways (as we call them in the film world) I was to end up getting stabbed to death by a crowd of young people played by a bevvy of twenty somethings including my stepson who – bizarrely – had actually once stabbed me in real life.

The film was shot at the old farmhouse outside Brechin where we (the old family) used to live. It has sadly been falling into ruin since we lived there and it caused some reflection to see brambles growing in through the windows of the room where we had once celebrated the kids’ birthdays – ah me…

Anyway – entry and egress was afforded by a broken window that some kindly recyclers had thoughtfully broken in order to get the copper hot water tank out. Whilst climbing through the window I caught my fucking arm on a slice of glass and ended up having to be driven to hospital for stitches. Whined there to the male nurse for a bit about how strangely painful it is to have to get stitches in your forearm while there’s blokes out in Afghanistan etc getting their legs blown off by landmines hardly complaining at all – but I digress.

Anyway I was pretty hacked off with the young director who showed no further interest in my predicament until asking weeks later if I could return to the cottage to finish the shoot. After some stern lecturing (from me) we worked out a compromise and the film was finished. It’s probably on Pinterest or some infernal site somewhere if you google ‘middle aged idiot + overacting + youthful enthusiasm + window + blood’.

DR: That sounds horrible.

NP: Indeed. David Niven told funnier stories about being in films than I do.

DR: And your stepson stabbed you?

NP: Yes – stabbed by my stepson. Like so many things in life – once it’s actually happened it’s far less scary than the anticipation (not that I recommend it…). And it was in the head which is where least harm is done – great big bone in there thankfully to take the blow. All friends now.

DR: That's good. What was the name of that film you were in?

NP: The student one or the porno?

DR: Either. Both.

NP: Well it wasn’t so much of a porno as sexting, and it’s been deleted. However seeing as how you won’t drop the other film here goes:

Ask me another.

DR: Last time I asked you how it was working on a comic with me, you described it as a “piece of piss”. Any behind the scenes thoughts on “I Ain't Feeling It”?

NP: And a piece of piss it was – I was very pleased with what I put into the last cartoon, but there was the opportunity to take the character into the kitchen to look at reflection in teaspoon etc. The character this time was tied to the chair with the newspaper and TV. I found myself squeezing headlines onto the front of an extended newspaper as if it were a strip from ‘The Gambols’. Not very satisfactory.

As you may remember I responded to your reminder to get the cartoon done by rather grumpily saying ‘I’ll bloody do it now’ – which I did. I should have given myself more time. I just sat me down at the kitchen table and battered it out after a few rough sketches. Should really have taken more care over it. Sorry mate – I’ll try harder next time.

 

Neil Paterson continues to fester in his local authority role which precludes him from writing, drawing or even reading comics 07873383547

Zero Sum Bubblegum is available here.